January 13, 2012

January 11, 2012: Hormone-induced Realizations

Woke up alone. Siblings are at school. Mum's at the rehab centre for her daily therapy due to Cervical Slip Disc. Spent a reasonable 2 hours playing The Sims on the iTouch before I rose. Made breakfast in a jiffy. Had boiled egg, coffee, banana, wheat toast with Twitter as a side dish. Checked my e-mail for possible job offers online and whatnot.

After consuming my decently prepared breakfast, got fed up with my Twitter's timeline and thinking of my overdue PMS-ing, 3 days now, I chose to stare blankly at nothing and do what I have been good at, reflecting. 

I've been good with self-talking ever since I got aware that it actually makes me saner. Self-talk in a neurotic way, that is. It has been my staple coping mechanism. And it has been tried, tested and proven effective in almost all aspects of my life. 

I guess realizations come visit me at random times like this. And today it chose the most perfect timing to hit me in the head, just in time for my monthly hormonal imbalances. Guhhhreat! I know myself too well when it comes to my monthly red flag. Expected food cravings, major mood swings, frustration kickbacks, impulsiveness, fickle-mindedness and major over-thinking. Well, all of the sighted PMS signs and symptoms already manifested for the past 2 days, excluding the last one. And this time, it hit me so good I couldn't thank myself more for doing it! Over-thinking made me realize A LOT today. Dominated mostly by my past experiences and decisions in life. 

*That I am a good person. Not in a self-absorbed manner. I mean, I honestly think and believe that I am. I'm not sinless. No one is. Yes, I have my bitchy-moments but I always make sure that I won't hurt anybody. I'm the type of person who just can't tolerate doing something bad or something that I'm not expected to do. Just the thought of it, even more the thought of doing it, makes me feel like I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Maybe because I don't like seeing people hurt. And maybe because I'm expecting the same from them.

*I highly care about what other people think of me. That's why I make sure that I am always at my best when dealing with people. I don't change "ME" to advertise something that isn't real, and I can't. What you see is what you get, but I make it to point that I won't disappoint anyone, especially myself. I sometimes take criticisms more than how it should be taken. I often get upset over negative points. It declines my self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, I do accept criticism, but I don't throw it away and forget about it just like that. It serves as a driving force. A trigger to actually challenge myself. Something to ponder on to improve what I am and what I have now. 

 *Frustrations are parasites. I would lie to myself if I would say that I don't get frustrated once in a while. I mean, I have all the rights and reasons to be frustrated at my age. I don't have a stable job, so my career's in a dormant state. I don't have enough money to support and fund my personal leisure. I don't have a very decent and consistent love-life at 22. But you know, It's OKAY to get frustrated. It's "being frustrated and letting it get into you" that is unhealthy. Frustrations are parasites. Thinking about it too much makes one weak. What do we get from being frustrated anyway? I always tell myself back then, "Why worry about things that you have no control over?". Nothing will happen to you if you whine over yourself and frustrate about things that you can actually do something about. You may not get what you want right away, but hey, why not start with small steps instead of whining? Sabi nga nila "Kung may problema ka, daanan mo lang, 'wag mong tambayan" cause if you let yourself stuck in it, nothing will happen. It will just consume you. You'll get depressed and what? NOTHING. Let your frustrations be your driving force for you to actually want more what you already want so bad, for you to strive harder and work on achieving it! A lazy ass and too much self-pity won't do any good.

*Views on LOVE and RELATIONSHIP from someone who's less-experienced among anyone I know, ME. May I just say that I had my fair share on hello's, take care's, I miss you's and goodbye's as much as anyone else. (Still) Not being in a "committed" relationship with anyone at this point doesn't make me less knowledgeable. I might have to admit I'm a noob on the "physical intimacy" part, experience-wise, but emotionally and intellectually, I think I'm as experienced as everybody else.

I realized A LOT on this subject to be honest. I don't know if I could actually write everything that I have babbled to myself this morning. It actually surprised me to have realized these things at this point in time. I have been in a rough situation this past year. I was badly hurt, broken and impaired for quite sometime. And just now, it hit me. What happened. Why it happened. What did I do about it. And with a saner mind, and without unnecessary residual emotions anymore, I have realized my faults and the reasons behind them. I ponder on the things that hurt me. The person who inflicted it. And what it made me today. And I came to a point of actually being grateful that it happenED. That it ended earlier than I expected. It's really not what I thought it was: "giving-up" and "getting fed up". It was actually a matter of who first realized the impossibility of the situation, and unfortunately it's not me.

There are many factors in a good and working relationship. Each factor SHOULD be present to actually make it work, or at least make it last longer (or even forever). It depends on the person on how s/he weighs each factor for him/her to be efficient in a relationship and to be able to make it last. One of the factors is physical intimacy. I now realized, that it would be (and it is) NEARLY impossible to make a relationship last without physical intimacy. Without having experience to be with that person. To even not seeing the person in flesh. Leaving everything to imagination isn't that effective in the long run. Wanting to be with each other is not enough. You actually have to be with each other. I believe he realized this just earlier than I did. Maybe because THAT factor doesn't matter to me that much, as it is to him. Thinking that if "the situation" is still "on" now, I probably would have realized the same thing anyway. So, I'm grateful it ended already.

And among these realizations, I have considered the factor that matters to me A LOT before getting involved in a committed relationship, sense of  SECURITY. I think this was holding me back all along.  I am a passive individual. I don't share that much of myself to anyone else. I'm an introvert. Yes, I'm not a risk-taker. I follow the rules too much. I'm afraid of consequences. I'm afraid of getting hurt. And that's probably the reason why I don't find security with anyone that I have encountered in my life, romantically speaking. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of commitment. I actually believe (and I know so) that I am one committed and loyal person (I MEAN IT). It's just that I couldn't give in to it just like that. Because I know myself when I commit, I am in it for the long run. I usually won't risk if there are uncertainties. But then I realized, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE UNCERTAINTIES. You can't get rid of it. No one can say that s/he will not hurt you, or leave you, or make you cry, because eventually at some point, s/he will whether s/he like it or not.  Either way, risking or not risking, you'll get hurt anyway. Being cautious is not bad, too much of it is not bad either. It just hinders you from discovering amazing things in yourself and in life.

*It takes "time" to be OKAY. I mastered this one very well. The "time" there is not constant BTW. Fuck the "three-month rule" or whatever imaginary rule there is. No one can tell anyone that s/he'll be okay after a week, or 3 months, or years. It varies on the person's own "healing period", the convalescence. Yes, I am thinking about health, illness and recovery. This is emotional health anyway, so yeah. In this healing period there will be ups and downs. Don't expect it to be one-way and easy, cause it's definitely not. You may say you're ALREADY OKAY many times in the course, but I bet most of the time that you said it, you're lying. Yes, you might feel a bit better than before but forcing yourself to be okay will slap you right back in the face with relapses and flashbacks when you least expect it. Experiencing these makes you think that it's better to suppress everything! I tell you, it's just a temporary get away. And I personally believe that suppression is a backstabber defense mechanism of all time! Face it. Acknowledging your feelings and moving forward WITH it and NOT THROUGH it is the key. YES, It will be difficult living everyday with the memories that hurt you, but eventually, ACCEPTANCE will make you grateful it happened and has made you a better person today. So don't rush it. Nothing great is ever achieved that easy. 

*I am my HAPPY THOUGHTS. Realization: Happiness is indeed a choice. One's happiness is not attached to a person. I once believed the opposite, but it proved me wrong. A person won't ALWAYS make you happy. Instead, I'mma call it a HAPPY PHASE. Phases end. And that's it. Happy thoughts don't end. You might feel that you lost it somehow, but it's not. It's in you. It's always been in you. You are your own happy thoughts. 

*PRAYER is not powerful without FAITH. Your problems might be big, but GOD is a million times BIGGER. Need I say more?

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